MAN RULES

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS...
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING', WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR...

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

Why do we have to school & University?

So we can be molded into a state approved homogenous drone that cannot think outside of the prescribed consensus. We will learn to repeat information instead of how to think for ourselves so that we don’t become a threat to status quo. When we graduate we will get a job, pay our taxes, i

n order to perpetuate the corporate system of indentured servitude.

Evolution

Harley Davidson Motorcycle vs. Women

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Top 10 Stupid Facebook Misusages

1- Profile picture: an image portraying the significant features of the owner of the profile.
a. Last night I was freaked out when I saw that one of the Transformers wants to become friends with me, to discover later that it was one of my ignorant friends who have used an image of a car for his profile picture!
b. The night before that I thought another friend was having the Benjamin Button disease; he suddenly went back to being a baby, only to discover later that his sister got a new baby!! (Profile pictures should only be changed in case of major changes in one’s face due to age or an accident, while searching for your profile this is the best way to figure you out especially if they forgot your name. That is if you have already specified that in the first place!
c. Right after marriage you will notice you have two identical profile pictures. Come on guys there are two other places to show off your top achievement; Relationship Status & Albums

2- Profile name: No comment! Even 3 year olds know that. What amazes me most is how fast girls change their family names sometimes even before their wedding! And the worst is when she puts her husband’s name or vice versa as her middle name then even FBI and CIA would never guess who the fuck they are… Guys & Girls your profile name is your Identity and personality; better not lose it for such a cheap reason.

3- New born pictures: All new born look alike and all look ugly, the only message we are getting from posting such disgusting pictures is that you are trying to prove that it is 90% legit since it has anything that looks like the real father and that your gentiles are working!

4- General pictures (Cities, Sunsets, Clouds, Animals, Nature…): Unless it has something very exceptional no other human being can ever shoot it ever again, will no more exist or you are in it, thank you very much we already have “National Geographic” for that! I can accept the fact that when someone is traveling he thinks everything is interesting since it’s all new to him and he starts taking pictures especially that now it’s all digital and free, but what I don’t accept or understand is why would he post them on Facebook!? Another case is wedding pictures, guys at least tag those stupid photos, otherwise they are just an animation of the bride and the groom shifting places…

5- 90 degree flipped pictures: Guys before posting a picture you have something called editing and rotate and they are free by the way.

6- Duplicates: More than one picture for the same subject doing the same thing… Facebook has invented something new for that reason called “Delete”!! We don’t have all day to watch your husband fall of the chair, we know it’s funny and hilarious but that was for you! While watching all we need to see is his ass on the floor and that’s called the final shot and maybe while he was trying to sit and that’s called the establishing shot, all the other 8 shots in between are video. Try to use it next time woman!

7- Comments: are always related to the object right above them and never for chat. If you don’t have anything to say about it nobody needs to know what you’re cooking today or tomorrow!

8- The Wall: it’s a public space. Anything you write there everybody can see, and no you weren’t stunning in that dress, you need much more than a $5000 dress to do this almost impossible job!!

9- Status: A place to say something about “your” current status as the name implies, and “your” here means the owner of the account whose name and picture are shown right above. One of my friends has a status that is so active if you see keep on checking it you will think that he is traveling from one country to the other using light speed and meeting people nonstop and taking decisions that will change history, to find out that he was just in the bathroom and finished reading his newspaper and is checking to see if he has memorized it well… There is a special section on Facebook for that specific reason and it’s called Notes check it.

10- Cover Page: It’s a special space given to you by Facebook for free to market yourself and not a place to show your expertise in Googling images, saving and re-posting them and yet marketing somebody else on your account. This proves that Arabs, and I’m talking about the majority, were never made to USE, but always to re-USE, ab-USE and mis-USE…

I’m hundred percent sure that at this exact moment there’s someone thinking of cutting and pasting this article on his status and waiting for someone to start a chat on its behalf using the comments!!

n.b. Facebook is not a Church nor a Mosque so please keep your religious “Beliefs” to yourself!!

When life gives you LEMON ...

When life gives you LEMON,

Go to Lebanon change its color to Orange, get some stupid follower, start a movement call it “tayyar” so to make people fear you, “watani” since it is 100% Lebanese and for Lebanon benefits “Horr” because you are not controlled by anyone such as Syria or Hezbollah, until you become president and change it to a party (allah la y2addir). You will later find out that there are still smart people among your religion and others that don’t trust you. You open a TV for your first daughter & name it Orange TV and start brainwashing your follower and try brain washing others. You will soon find out that you need money for the elections, after you have spent all what poor Gilbert & Abbees had gave you to make them MPs, so you give the ministry of Energy to your son in law (“Taka”, although ma 3indo wala taka) and the ministry of Communications to another “miss communicated person” promising him a Parliament membership in the next elections, in order for both to start stealing money from the government and calling it “isla7”, and to back them up with their delusions you will open an advertising agency for your second daughter & name it Clementine so they can market their lies and of course steal even more money and make people believe exactly the opposite of what they should (LebanON/OFF) here comes “taghyeer”. You will fail in all of this so you decide to fuckup the economy maybe people will forget their headache when their legs are broken, so you ask your minister of tourism “the brain” to ruin the season with his smart decisions (such as No Smoking Law & UAE Conspiracies) and fuckup tourism, the backbone of Lebanon GDP!! Now your followers are fed up of your “Shiit” and your allies are fed up of your “Shit” and started feeling that you are becoming a burden and you are pulling them down with you they are trying to get rid of you by using your ignorance and stupidity and that looks promising.

Mr. “General” your Orange is turning “Yellow” shaklak staweit wsar baddak 2atif ya m3attar!!

And you still think that there is someone stupid enough to try to assassinate make a hero out of you ya baba!!

Lebanon enters the Motor industry race straight to first place for $3.5M

مشال عون، جبران بسيل، فادي عبود ... كلوا خرا

أفضلتَ علينا يا معالي وزيرالسياحة فادي عبود. شكراً لك على تصريحاتك المدروسة بعمق. إنها فعلا مؤامرة على سياحتك الموصوفة والفريدة من نوعها عالمياً. فما أن سمعنا، نحن اللبنانيين المقيمين في الإمارات العربية تصريحك بأن "الإمارات تآمرت على السياحة اللبنانية بنية كسب السياح"، حتى بدأنا بتوضيب ثيابنا الشتوية والصيفية، وتركنا منازلنا في الإمارات وقررنا اللحاق بك حتى بتنا "نتفركش" ببعضنا بعضاً

لكن بعض الخارجين على القانون على طرق المطارات في دبي، (فكما تعلم في دبي 3 مطارات والرابع بات جاهزا) عرقلوا سيرنا بعد أن أضرموا النار بدواليب السيارات. كما أن مجموعة مشاغبين أجبرتنا على حمل حقائبنا مسافة طويلة، وتعرضنا للخطف من قبل أفراد عشيرة خارجين على القانون ينعتون هنا "بالمقاديدة" ففاتتنا الرحلة المتوجهة إلى بيروت. وللأسف ما زلنا هنا نعمل ونكسب رزقنا بعرق جبيننا ونحقق نجاحاتنا من دون واسطة ولا طائفة

معالي الوزير،
أنا في العادة أنتقد الفنانين على بياض هذه الصفحة، وعادة ما أترك أفكاري بخصوص الوطن تنخر عظامي وحدي وأنا أرقب فشلكم العظيم في بناء جسور المودة والمحبة وإعادة اللحمة إلى ذاك الوطن الذي أحببناه جميعا، وحملناه معنا أينما ذهبنا. لا بل تحولنا إلى سفراء له ننشر حكاياه الجميلة ونغرق في الحديث عن طبيعته وصفاء سمائه

فاسمح لي معاليك بأن أخبرك أشياء قد تكون عرفتها، لكن لعل في الإعادة إفادة. لقد تخطانا العالم يا معالي الوزير، وسئم من أخبارنا ومن ثرثرتنا حتى بتنا "مسخرة" أمام خلق الله بسببكم يا حكام الوطن الصغير. هل تعلم كم كان عدد السياح في دبي ليلة رأس السنة؟ لقد تخطى المليون سائح ولم تحصل ضربة كف ولم يضرم أحد النار بدولاب، ولم يقفل أحد طريق المطار، وكانت كل الطرقات سالكة، والكهرباء مشعشعة كالعادة

كان الطقس بديعاً والناس من جميع أصقاع الأرض يستمتعون بعزف الأوركسترا السمفونية قرب برج خليفة، ويراقبون رقص النافورة الأجمل في العالم. وما إن اكتمل الزمن وأعلن العام نهايته، انطلقت ضحكات الأطفال ولمعت عدسات الكاميرات من كل صوب لتسجل تلك اللحظات السعيدة في سماء زيّنتها الألعاب النارية لا الرصاص الخطاط الذي ينطلق بعد كل خطاب لأي من زعماء الحروب الصغيرة

عن أية سياحة تتحدث معاليك؟ عن أمن مطار بيروت؟ أو عن التشبيح داخل حرمه؟ عن سيارات التاكسي التي تنتظر السائحين ليقوم سائقوها بتشليحهم وشتمهم في حال رفضوا الامتثال لرغباتهم؟ عن طريق المطار الآمنة؟ عن أسعار المطاعم المتحركة حسب لون بشرة الزبون أو زيه الوطني؟ عن أي شيء تتحدّث؟ عن نشرات الأخبار التي يتحفنا بها الإعلام اللبناني كل مساء محمَّلة بملوثات الوطن؟ أو عن المشعوذين الذين باتوا يتوقعون للدول مستقبلها وكأن من يعيش في ذلك البلد صدّق الكذبة واعتبر نفسه محور الكرة الأرضية

ألا ترى معي أننا بحاجة لعدم تدخلكم في حياتنا نحن المهاجرين بل المهجّرين قسرا بسببكم؟ دعونا نعمل بعيداً عن خلافاتكم وسنمحي شهر آذار من روزنامة حياتنا. ذلك الشهر الذي سرقتم أعداده وبات كالشيطان لأي لبناني حريص على مستقبله. لقد عرّيتم أنفسكم وعريّكم بات عارا علينا. نحاول أن نخبّئ هذا العار كل يوم لكن الرائحة الكريهة تنبعث منه وتقتلنا. من أنتم؟ ماذا تريدون؟ أنتم منقسمون دائما ومفلسون وغير قادرين على تحسين شروط العيش لمواطنيكم. أين الكهرباء؟ هل وصلت بواخركم الموعودة؟ هل وجدتم حلاً للتخفيف من زحمة المرور؟ هل أعدتم مخطوفي (ضيوف) أعزاز؟ ماذا فعلتم؟

آخر ما نتج عن أفكاركم السوداء هو أن النازحين السوريين هم سبب كل مشاكل لبنان، وتعملون الآن وبكل موضوعية على إعادتهم إلى سوريا لتتم تصفيتهم وتريحوا العالم منهم فيحصل اللبنانيون على الزيادة المضافة إلى رواتبهم وتفتح الطرقات وترفع الجسور وتعلن حالة من الفرح مع خروج آخر نازح ويتم تسليمه لضباط المخابرات السورية

أليس من الأفضل أن تصمت وتنقل صمتك إلى الآخرين وأن تعيد النظر في قرار منع التدخين لأن الإلتزام به بات أضحوكة للمساكين؟ أليس من المفيد أن تترك الشعب اللبناني يتدبر أمره كما كان على طول الأزمان من دون حكومة ليتعثر هنا وينهض هناك.. والله، كما جرت العادة، "بيدبّرها"؟

Christians Unite

A short & touching story

     One day a twenty five years old girl was going back to her house in Dahieh, to find a suspicious young man sitting in his car in front of the entrance watching her. First she was afraid but after seeing him there day after day she became used to it, and the guy was a gentleman, he was so respectful that his head was always down; he even never looked up while she passes. Although it was irritating; but in fact, the young girl started to like the idea of someone that dedicated, sitting there day in day out just to take a glimpse at her.

After sometime the girl started falling in love especially that she was in her marriage age. So she started wondering why he never tries to come to her house and ask her father to marry her if he is that in love. She thought, maybe it is because of the financial difference since his car was so old, and her house was so luxurious, or is he still not sure of his feeling, but he stays there long hours even after she goes inside the house and sometimes she sleeps and he is still there.

Until one day and after more than two months on this, she gathered all her powers and went towards his car, her heart was beating like crazy; he wasn’t that good looking from near but never the less she bent down and asked him “why are you always in front of my house sir?” He looked at her with his eyes wide open and full of happiness, excitement and wonders and said “the Wi.Fi. connection at your place is so fuck’n fast woman!!”